bad.

I give up.

Really.

EDIT:

I guess, to clarify, this whole week has been weird. Not in a good way. I think I made a mistake last weekend. Or someone else did and I misinterpreted it. I don't fucking know.

Now I'm stuck overanalyzing. Currently on the verge of compulsion. I'm making a conscious effort not to ask questions or do that lame qualifying explanation/passive inquiring thing; "I mean, if you feel like __________, it's okay. You can just tell me." God.

Also wondering whether any of this has to do with my meds running out a week ago. I'm sure that has everything to do with it. Which is just as--if not more--depressing. I can't function properly without them? Cool.

To top it off, Gramma Dottie's back in the hospital. I can't fucking type that without tearing up. Goddamnit.

This is what got in me in trouble at work last year. Around the holidays. This inability to separate my personal life from my work. Apparently, other teachers have an On/Off switch. I don't.

No idea what to do with myself.

I hope no one reads this.

paul rogers.

Okay. So, today hasn't been half bad. Got a bunch of handmade cards from my kids. Kindergarten sang me Happy Birthday. Amazing tattoo. AND I got paid.

Deciding what to do for dinner. Excited about the show.

No idea what I'm doing for Halloween. Let alone what I'm wearing. I dunno if I'll do anything. Which I know I'll regret as soon as 1 November.

My neighbors are obnoxious.

pulling puches.

pull one's punches:

1. [for a boxer] to strike with light blows to enable the other boxer to win.
2. to hold back in one's criticism.

Don't need it. Don't do it.

I'm starting to realize that my perception of birthdays is a lot like my mom's explanation of child-bearing. She told me once that she's convinced the reason women ever have more than one baby--willingly--is because there's some kind of mechanism in the brain that wipes a mother's memory of how torturous and painful and fucking annoying it is to give birth.

Every year of my twenties thus far, I convince myself right around 29 October that I love birthdays. Until the actual day, that is.

Right now, I'm quickly recalling that I do not, in fact, love birthdays. Actually, I hate them.

Also, I'm getting Idiot tattooed over my heart. Not really. But, God. How fitting? In like, twenty different ways.

Nap. Or shower. Or ugh.

I want to listen to Further Seems Forever immediately. I've had enough Thursday. I need my iPod charger back.

the moon is down.

Life is collapsing in on itself. Like it does every couple months. It's my (involuntary) routine.

Something--or lots of things--are really good. And then twelve fucked up things happen all at once.

Mom called while I was at the tattoo shop with Eddie. The first sign of bad news: she prefaced the conversation with, "Now, don't freak out . . . "

Gramma Dottie had a heart attack.

Which trumps the plethora of other annoyances I've been dealing with lately. Comparatively, they are nothing but that: annoying. And out the window, for all I care.

Of course, she tried to play it down so I wouldn't lose it; "She's fiiiine. She's in the hospital. It was a minor heart 'episode' (is the word she used first; I know she didn't want to say heart attack to me)."

Can I hibernate now? Please.

constants.

Firstly, this junk rules:

Drinkin' that and chamomile like crazy. Cannot get sick again! Especially the week of my birthday? Come ooonnn.

Appointment with Jason Kelly Thursday afternoon. Exciteddd. First time seeing him since he moved to Memorial. And I'm accompanying Eddie to his first session with Scott on Tuesday. Also excited about this; tryin' my best to get Scott some good business.

Can't believe I'm up right now. Annoyed, frankly.

I keep thinking I have something interesting to write about in here and forget the second I log in. Haha. Boring-est Blog 4 Eva.

I want to vacation somewhere. Go camping or something. Yellowstone, please? Come with.

you can't tell me shit.

Getting sick. Goddamnit. Haven't felt well since the day after the show. Stayed out too late in all that cigarette smoke. Yeghk. Eatin' Cipro and drinkin' tea, trying to get better before the week starts.

Writing lesson plans. Excited about them. Beaded necklaces with 1st; Indonesian shadow puppets with 2nd; Pre-Columbian animal effigy bowls with 3rd; Frank Stella paper sculptures with 4th; and clay story looms with 5th--to be woven later.

When I know my students are really interested in the lesson I'm teaching--they're actually quiet and attentive and asking all sorts of awesome questions--I get chills. I get so fucking stoked when they're excited about learning something new.

Nap. maybe? Probably not.

Also, within a thirty minute time span today, I got a hug from a strange baby on a leash at Starbucks on Moreland and punked out five teenaged shitheads. What the hell. Only in Little Five.

i want this:

Right away, please. Birthday present?

So tired. But last night was worth it. BANE was incredible and they had only great things to say about Foundation. They had an awesome response, too. Proud proud proud. Best show yet at the Warehouse, hands down.

Afomdefoimeorig.

Nap? Or clean? Don't knowww.

without words.

I wish there were such a thing as self-induced implosion.

I've been in an awful mood for the last two days. I don't feel like myself at all. Shortest temper. Bummed. I hate it.

Still feel like I'm getting sick. Super tired lately.

Tonight was good, though.

that is all.

I think you're two-faced and impressionable and I'm not sure I want to be your friend anymore.

Adam Sweeney loves to irritate the shit outta me. Hahaha. And he's so good at it!!

Dyed my hair. Covered the grays. It looks the same, really. I wish it were a little darker. I imagine I'll get Ashley or Jillian to touch it up.

Excited for BANE and Foundation.

Insurance brokers are dumb mother fuckers.

This weather is amazing.

random shit?

Ha. Wow: http://www.matadorrecords.com/matablog/2006/08/07/tony-victory-sued-by-ingrates/#comment-26269.

Saw Parnormal Activity again last night with two favorites. Just as scary. Still didn't watch the end.

My back hoits. And I think I'm gettin' sick. I'm using my mind powers to will myself healthy.

Probably goin' to Mom and Dad's today. Haven't seen the family in a little while and I gotta show off my new wheels.

Writing a paper sculpture lesson plan inspired by Frank Stella's work--Jarama II in particular. Excited.

Got the shorter boots yesterday. I like 'em a lot; super comfortable.

Boring, as usual.

EDIT:

I just went to google the longest an iphone will stay locked after typing the wrong passcode too many times--Me 'n' Ryan locked his for an hour the other night--and the first autocomplete search subject was, "How long does weed stay in your system?" Mind you, I only got as far as, "How long . . ." before that popped up. Hahaha.

Also, Fattest won't stop head-butting me.

will you be my valentine if i'm a world away?

Want these:

Woke up in the middle of the night and remembered I was supposed to bake a cake for a school get-together today. Went to Kroger and baked a vegan chocolate cake at 3:00 in the morning. Ta daaa!

Ran Rachel and Stan by the airport earlier. Super tired.

Get Up Kids in November?? Yes, please!

EDIT:

My throat hurts.

all i can do is try my best for you.

Early release at school today. Grades were due by noon and the bookkeeper somehow omitted half my fourth and fifth grade students from the rosters. Emergency grade revisions. Late to an Art Dept. meeting as a consequence.

But it's alright. I'm in a good mood. I talked to Champ for a while today. He's got a new gurl. I'm excited for him.

Also excited that tomorrow is Thursday/nearly the weekend.

ALKmoienrfweor. Nothing interesting, really. What's new?

p.m.a.

Stopping myself from writing some inflammatory bullshit.

It's not important anymore.

it's not a ghost.

Yesterday/last night/this morning was awesome. I love my friends.

Saw Paranormal Activity and almost cried. Ugghh.

Took today off. Going by the bank to deliver the Bill of Sale from my car and finalize the loan. Uhh . . I bought a car, by the way. Haha. A black 2006 Hyundai Sonata:

Obviously, that's not my actual car. But that's what it looks like. I like it.

Up till 5:00 a.m. Going back to bed for a little while, I think.

for those i love i will sacrifice.

We might be guilty of overzealous loyalty, but spectators with big eyes and even bigger mouths are equally guilty--only of snap judgments and blanket statements. Hypocrites. If you saw someone swing on your best friend/husband/brother, you wouldn't stand idly by. And if you would, you should be ashamed.

I love my friends. More than anything. They are my family. I love this city and my hardcore scene. I love that someone picked my glasses up off the ground and made sure they weren't broken. That I got text messages until 6:00 in the morning asking if I was alright. And that our friends sat in shifts at the hospital all night just to make sure Stan was okay and Rachel wasn't alone.

Anyway. If you don't like it, try booking your own shows. Or finding friends that are worth fighting for.

Pre-approved for an auto loan from Powerco Federal Credit Union yesterday. Hot damn! Looking at cars today. Me and dad are detmerined to find The One.

Maybe out with Jillian, Eddie, Pete and Charlie later?

just saying.

Also, for everyone who's ever asked me, "So, what do you do with them? Finger paint?" here's the latest draft of Georgia Performance Standards for Art Education:

https://www.georgiastandards.org/Standards/Pages/BrowseStandards/FineArts.aspx

Until now, we've been using Quality Core Curriculum--otherwise known as QCCs--as the benchmark/outline for instruction. But the entire state is gradually making a shift to GPS--standards that build on one another from previous year(s) of learning e.g. student learns basics of Georgia history in kindergarten; in first grade, student reviews learning from previous year and instructor expands on it, including more detail and additional information. This'll continue throughout the student's grade school career.

In short: No. I do not finger paint with my students. I teach them about Japan and the art of Sumi-e. What it's like to be a student a world away. What the Four Gentlemen are and how to paint them using a bamboo brush. And they make me artwork that looks like this:

That's the project my fourth graders just finished. I am so unbelievably proud of them. They rule.

ponce de leon.

Don't know if I'm going to the show tomorrow after all. If I do, it'll be late. I'm determined to get a new car this weekend.

Teacher workday tomorrow. Workshop from 8:00 to 3:00. Teaching With Rigor. Jesus.

People coming out of the woodwork lately. Weird.

sjndbifvbfw.

Goddamnit.

Go fuck yourself. Everyone.

who cares?

Didn't feel well today. Worn out.

But I test drove more cars and I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere. Still madly in love with the Ford Focus wagon. Dad's not impressed. Should get news about the loan I applied for tomorrow. Blah blah blah. Grown up stuff.

Should be (re)writing lesson plans right now. Just can't. Grades are due Friday. Guuhhh.

Thinking too much lately. Turn by brain off.

Also, I want Champ home. Right now.

respectable!

In a really strange mood.

My life is constantly in a state of limbo. Tipping scales. Something's awesome. Something else is completely fucked up. I've got one thing all figured out; perplexed by another.

I am madly in love with Atlanta, Georgia. Can't imagine leaving. And sometimes I want to move to the middle of nowhere. Or a brand new city where I don't know anyone and everything is new.

Yes and no. Black and white. Even down to this weird double-life I'm leading being a (nearly) 26-year-old teacher with a BFA and bills nine hours a day, five days a week; but feeling like a 19-year-old hardcore kid the rest of the time. I love both. I guess that's okay, right? It's workin' out so far.

Not sad at all, by the way. If that's the impression I'm leaving. Just contemplative.

P.S. I'm sure I deleted the text message, but the mention and prospect of an unexpected friendship tattoo this weekend might've made my life.

P.P.S. This weekend was amazing. In spite of my car biting it. Fuck you, car.

master.

First of all, I need these immediately:

Also, my car broke down again. This time on 75 N.

Spent the day looking at cars. Which I was super excited about this morning. But as the day wore on, I slowly started to realize how huge this decision is. And now I'm just confused and stressed and I want to run away.

Bummed I'm not at Metallica with Eddie right now. I suppose it's better that I didn't spend the money on that ticket, though.