fuddy.

Feeling more alright than I have in a while. Not so confused. A lot less concerned/preoccupied with some uncertain shit. And way stoked on new things (even if they do have the potential to get me in trouble).

Not really looking forward to work tomorrow. That break was not long enough.

I don't have much to write, I guess. Ha. Weird.

Maybe things are getting back to normal?

I hade by cad.

fuck the rest.

I love my family.

for this to work.

Firstly:

Sadly, I can't take credit for that little bit of hilarity. But I had to post it. A glimpse into my future, maybe??

Secondly, my car insurance is some half-rate fuckin' bullshit--which is no one's fault but my own; I take full responsibility for procuring 20+ traffic tickets for a variety of offenses in my youth and simultaneously screwing myself out of decent coverage. Anyway, I changed my payment plan recently so I wouldn't have to fork out $9,329,923.04 twice a year and they decided they didn't need to send me a new bill? So, a couple days ago, I get a delinquency notice telling me my insurance is cancelled and if I don't pay them X number of dollars by 27 November 2008/TODAY/THANKSfuckingGIVING, I'm in deep doo doo (or, "boo boo," as my students say). Tried paying via telephone. NO. Tried paying online. NO.

Awesome. Really.

Saw Jason for the first time in like, a week last night. It was fantastic. We stopped by my folks' house and then headed to Rach and Stan's for pre-Thanksgiving breakfast-for-dinner. Yum. Pumpkin pancakes were delish.

I made it a point to visit Champ a couple of times yesterday, too. He chopped his hair off, but it looks really nice. Said our goodbyes. I'm proud to say I did not cry. Haha.

Auburn today. Ridiculously excited. I wanted to go to Montgomery with my parents and sis to do some family damage control--shit going on over there that warrants its own post--but I've got too much junk to take care of here. And my tattoo appointment got moved to tomorrow at 1:00.

Oughta get ready. We're leavin' around 10:00. Football and food!!




EDIT:

Because why not.

An X-mas wish list (in pictures):

And/or;

down alternative, please;

loose, stacked and 'banded, or rolled.

That's about it, I think. I can't post friendship tattoos, but those would be acceptable gifts as well. I might add more. I doubt it, though. My favorite part of the holidays has always been giving people really meaningful/personal/cool stuff and seeing their reactions.

cannot compute.

This is what I had finished of the Linen and Lace bulletin board when I left work at 6:00 today. A lot left to do yet. But it's coming along nicely, I think.

I'm super tired. And I've had a raging headache for the last two days. I changed into sweats and made myself a big pot of soup as soon as I got home. Probably hit the hay in the next few minutes. So looking forward to the rest of this week and the absurd amount of sleep I'm going to pack into the next few days. Hehehehh.

Not looking forward to sending Champ off again (Europe = no texts or calls), but super excited for him, too.

Blah blah. Can't think.

my boyfriend is a sociopath.

Uhmm. So. I was going to post something about my weekend maybe. Or the book I made for Champ. But then I checked my email and this happened:

and now my brain is spasming/I kind of want to vomit.

Just to clarify, www.zunal.com is a website that hosts a collection of resources for teachers, including templates for Webquests and teacher portfolios. I happened to create an electronic portfolio as a supplement to my resume several months ago. The site's creator liked my portfolio so much, (s)he posted a link to it on the home page for interested parties to view as an exemplar.

Apparently, this freak happened across my shit and liked it so much he decided he just had to see my feet and that it was totally acceptable to send me a sketchy fucking email out of the blue? What's most discomforting about the whole thing is:

1. Homeboy didn't even try to hide the fact that he's a fucking looney toon. Just jumped straight into the creepy stuff;
   
2. My phone number and a former address were posted on that junk.

I may have inadvertently attracted a stalker and/or set myself up to be serial killed. Sweet. I mean, I've always had an inkling I was going to die young. But I honestly never thought I'd be murdalized by some weirdo with a foot fetish.

Barf. What's up, nightmares?




Anyway. I finished a prize for Champ. A handmade book/journal to take to Europe with a special pocket he can keep like, plane tickets and crap in. I hope he likes it.

Taking a half day tomorrow to paint one of the bulletin boards for Linen and Lace. Sort of excited about it. Tuesday's my easy day AND payday. Wednesday is my tattoo appointment and the start of Thanksgiving break. Super excited.

May go to bed shortly. I've been sleeping a lot lately. Dunno if that's good or bad.

retreat.

"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers."

" . . . it is as solitary where I live as on the prairies. It is as much Asia or Africa as New England. I have, as it were, my own sun and moon and stars, and a little world all to myself."

"The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude."

Back into myself, now. To reevaluate. And recuperate. And reestablish everything I know about this girl that's been wounded or lost or confused over the last few months.

________________.

Another strange (feeling) day.

I went to bed at 7:30 last night. Even after I'd had a nap just a few hours earlier.

There's so much shit running through my head. But I don't think any of it's developed enough yet to process. I can't write about it. I don't know what to write.

Blank.

What I am sure of, though, is that I'm not ready to give up on this one thing. I know the chances of it panning out the way I'd like are slim-to-none. And I know holding on may very well leave me worse off than I was to begin with. But there's something I can't let go of just yet.

I'm sure I'll re-read this at some point. After the wreckage. And think to myself how stupid I was for ignoring what I already knew. I suppose what's keeping me around is the possibility/the wish/the idea that if/when I revisit it, I'll be thankful I didn't walk away this time.

P.I.C.

Things are weird. Not bad, per se. Just weird.

Distance seems to be a recurring theme, lately--both literal and figurative. The former closing itself quickly. The latter only seems to be expanding. What I can't figure out is if it's a natural progression. If it's something I'm contributing to or just accepting. Or maybe I'm imagining things.

Not sure, either, whether to combat it (fight for what may be fading) or let it go.

Too much up in the air. I need something new. And definite. Something easy. Something contenting.

I should be cleaning.

braindead.

I've been in a fantastic mood the last couple of days, despite having my (ever-important) right index finger smashed between two car doors, simultaneously, during carpool duty yesterday AND getting in trouble for too many tardies.

I finally conferenced with my principal and got feedback about my first formal observation. She only had good things to say and I couldn't be more excited--or relieved. I'm especially flattered that she liked the lesson I taught because it's one I wrote myself.

Physically, I feel lousy today. I would love to be curled up in bed. No such luck, though. On the upside, Tuesday is one of my lighter days: four classes instead of the usual five or six. Hopefully, I can take a snooze between dismissal and Family Reading Night. Tomorrow is Early Release. Thursday is a meeting with area Art teachers/GSU alum. Friday is I don't know. And Saturday, I've got Champ to myself.

Two days next week, and then I'm off for Thanksgiving. That break, by the way, could not come soon enough. Haha.

Fourth grade is on the way. Post more later.

EDIT:

Family Reading Night was fine. I ended up serving food and dipping out after an hour or so. And I did get to take that nap I was daydreaming about earlier. Short, but sweet.

My cat is a piece of shit.

Blah blah blah.

How ridiculously boring is this post? Yuck.

there you are, peter!

Hook is on.

"You know that place between sleep and awake; the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting."

Ruh-tarded. WHAT a good movie.

Entirely unrelated--although, nearly as entertaining--is the following myspace blog by Samantha Ronson in response to Lindsay Lohan's being antiqued by PETA and the subsequent responses from about a gazillion other super articulate, teenaged masterminds. Normally, I'm the first person to say something to the effect of, "Who gives a shit what Jennifer Aniston has to say about Brad and Angelina?? And why is that plastered all over www.msn.com?" But this whole episode was especially eye-roll-inducing.

http://celebrity.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=celebrity.blog

Another reason I'm thankful to have turned 25: I am no longer associated with the embarrassment that is America's 18-24 year old demographic.

F.T.W.

My latest (relatively useless) obsession: folded-paper boxes. I've made tons. I can't stop.

I didn't have a quarter, so I found something comparable. The tiny ones are my favorite.

Also, I apologize for the reprehensible quality of all the photos I post in this thing. My camera sucks, and I generally only have my phone with me to snap pics at opportune moments. Meh.

I left the house once today (which I am quite alright with) to go to Barnes & Noble. I (finally) watched Lost World: Jurassic Park this morning. And Hard Candy this afternoon. S'posed to visit Icehouse later, but I may just go to sleep.

I need to be by my lonesome every once in a while. You know, so I can do completely worthless, idiotic shit like fold tiny boxes out of colored paper and/or make my own books . . . ?

Whatever.

my eyes can't look at you any other way.

I should've let it be. I should've kept my eyes to myself. All those words are weighing on my heart now. And the worst part . . . is that I fucking knew better.

I really thought I could do this. Not just with this one; with any-one that had a troubled past. But I think know now that that was before I finally wised-up (or maybe dumbed-down) and contemplated/grasped what a history like that means. And how long it lasts. And how many questions I'd want to ask (that probably shouldn't or won't be answered).

Being smart and curious never was a contenting combination.

My relief; the one sure thing I've got to look forward to (and maybe the thing I should've held fast to all along):

"Okay cool, I'm all yours sat night."

let it go.

They are putting my paternal grandmother in an "Assisted Living Facility" this weekend. I desperately miss my best friend. And I'm pretty sure I like somebody who can't really (or probably just doesn't) like me back, when I shouldn't be (and don't want to be) worried about any kind of relationship to begin with.

More than anything, I'm coming to grips with my grandparents' mortality. I've never lost anyone particularly close to me. And when this happens, it's going to be fucking crushing. I've never understood people who don't like their grammas/grandparents/entire families; mine are incredible. I love them with all my heart. Which makes realizing they may never see me get hitched (pah) or meet my kids that much more devastating.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. Like I said, I need those letters drilled into my fingers again.

EDIT:

I am grateful for everything I have and everything I go through.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."

EDIT:

Could somebody please get me new headphones. The cat destroyed mine. I wanna listen to Band of Horses in bed, goddamnit.

♥

I am worn . . . out.

My classes today were so up and down. One class, amazing; the next, off the walls. As frustrating as this rollercoaster gets, though, the barrage of hugs at the end of the day during dismissal makes it all better.

The perfect evening would (and hopefully will) consist of:

• a hot shower;
• a nap in my big, warm bed;
• Harmony;
• and movies on the couch under mah new, extra soft blanket.

The Bukkake Boys' record release is tonight. I'm friends with most of the band and Rachel and Ashley are going. But I'm so wiped. A night in sounds amazing.

We'll see, I guess.

Oh! By the way. Kindergarten is making clay pinch pots this project and to prepare I've been letting them play around with the clay to get used to it (most of them have never used the real stuff). At any rate, Kenterious--a particularly cute and humorous student of mine--walked up to me with a *cough* log of clay proudly displayed in one hand. When I asked what it was, he immediately exclaimed, "a pirate ship!" But what I heard was, "a pile of shit!" I could not stop laughing. I had to ask him a couple more times what, exactly, it was he'd said.

The perks of being an elementary school (Art) teacher, yeah?

In the mood to make art again. Dunno if it'll happen.

Post Script: Amazing how one, "I miss you," from the right person can stick in your mind and brighten your day.

fuck you, miss daisy.

I realized I get paid on the 25th this month and asked Jason Kelly if he's got any openings that week--he's gonna be in and out of town a lot November and December, I think--and he does! I just booked an appointment with him on the 26th to get my other arm/shoulder done; this time, a nurse for my maternal grandmother.

She was a nurse for 30 + years. Lived/worked through the polio epidemic and in a Psych ward for the last half of her career. She taught nursing, too. She is a badass. And she demanded that I include some kind of reference to the beach or ocean in my tattoo. Easy enough, I think. Seashells, probably.

I 'spaced my friend Scott and asked him if he'd like to do pink Out Of Step sheep for me and Rach sometime soon. He's apprenticing at Timeless and happens to be good friends with Jason, too--who suggested that I get something done while he's still beginning (and they're free) so I'll always have a part of a friend's history with me; very cool, I think. Waiting to hear back.

Lunch is over. Back to work, now!

EDIT:

Just bought the following movies at Wal-Mart:

Two-thirds of the bunch are guilty pleasures. And two-thirds of them are about to get watched.

Mediocre Chinese Buddha earlier (my vegetable buns were cold in the middle) followed by a mediocre cup o' joe from Caribou. Yikes. Glad I finally fulfilled my shit movie craving. Ha.

aye sap.

I need vegan Chinese food immediately.




EDIT:

And board games (Scrabble, please).

And The Lost World: Jurassic Park (2).




NOW.

crying is not straight edge.

Goddamn Champ for making me cry in my car:

I Swear by The Loved Ones

I've been breaking promises in the dark;
You've been doubting everything in the time we spend apart.
We knew this was a gamble from the start.
Now we've been trying everything just keep our hearts.

If it all burns down, if it all just blows away,
I swear I'll love you to 'til the end.
If it all burns down and you don't come around,
I'll be your friend.

I'm sweating all alone here in the dark;
Are you sleeping soundly all the nights we spend apart?
We knew this was a gamble from the start.
And now I'm trying everything, just to keep your heart.

If it all burns down, if it all just blows away,
I swear I'll love you to 'til the end.
If it all burns down and you don't come around,
I'll be your friend.

I'll love you 'til the end.
I'll love you 'til the end.
I'll love you 'til the end.
I'll love you 'til the end.

What I live and what I learn;
What we build and what we burn,
I'll love you 'til the end.

While we're on it, the song that most reminds me of him:

I'll Catch You by The Get Up Kids

Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears,
One at a time?
An unspoken balance here;
Unabridged for so many years.
That I should stare at receivers
to receive her
isn't fair.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

Your arms in mine,
any time.
Wouldn't trade anything;
you're still my everything.
To my surprise,
before my eyes,
you arrive.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

Still breaking old habits, habits.
You pulled the wool over me;
and I can see everything.
Everything.
Remembering
Jinx removing.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

No need for reminding:
You're still all that matters to me.

We've agreed before that there are a few discs that belong only to us (and not just because--with the exception of the first--everyone else thinks they suck): Lucero That Much Further West; HIM Razorblade Romance; and the Blink 182 S/T that came out in 2003.

I fucking miss my best friend.

business as usual.

I have to choose a new healthcare provider for 2009 by the end of Open Enrollment at 4:30 pm tomorrow. They've eliminated BC/BS as an option altogether for the State Health Benefit Plan.

Good. Great. Grand.

Being a grown up sucks.




Other miscellaneous, house-keeping type shit to deal with today. Booo-riiing.

In the mood to make art. Maybe I'll get around to it. For now, I have to read the Fulton County Schools Health Benefits Decision Guide 2009 . . .

EDIT:

I did get around to making art. Sort of. Here it is:

I suppose that counts! I'm excited about it, nonetheless. I made everything by hand--with the exception, of course, of the paper. The cover and binding, inside pages, drawings and lettering (a decent outcome for my first real attempt at any kind of script, I think). I just hope it accomplishes the purpose for which it was made.

We shall see. Now, dinner.

satisfied.

My cat is being exceptionally sweet right now. It is weirding me the fuck out.

She probably shit in my room or something. Or maybe she peed on my EC hoodie again.

Anyway. Saw Role Models today (Uhmm . . . what the fuck. Huh-larious. Whispering eye? Seriously??) followed by a vegan feast at Harmony:

• curry pockets;
• Chinese pizza;
• hot and sour soup;
• Mongolian beef;
• shredded pork in garlic sauce.

It was Dooley's first time there and I'm pleased to say he enjoyed it. He also told me I've renewed his faith in Soul Veg. Haha. Sweet!

Napped at Andrew and Kayla's. Stopped home momentarily to change into warmer attire and then visited Icehouse, Lo-Carb Monster in hand.

Home now and so looking forward to getting a real night's rest/sleeping in tomorrow.

(What a) good night.

take 'em all.

I have had a good weekend so far, despite missing my chance to snag Burning Fight tickets before they sold out. What a bummer. Hopefully, I can find some between now and 2 - 3 May 2009.

I love Champion as much as ever.

I had a blast last night with Andrew. Control, the Joy Division flick, is incredible. Not exactly uplifting--I mean, it's downright depressing--but amazing, all the same.

Breakfast with Dooley this morning at Soul Veg. Yum! And a movie later on, maybe.

The conference was alright. Two pictures that sum it up, I think:

That's right, a legacy continued by none other than our latest president-elect, Barack Obama. Notice the prediction is scrawled in dirt on the back of an 18-wheeler and that one-half of the names listed are misspelled. Talk about profound. Clearly, this person knows what (s)he's talking about. Take heed, ladies and gentlemen!

I'm outta here. I need to make ornament templates for the Linen and Lace trees.

forfeiture.

Last night was pretty awful for a couple of hours. Champ and I had a huge fight; the biggest fight in years, I think. I cried like a fucking baby.

We're fine now. And I'm so glad.

I have to learn that as much as I'm prone to protecting my friends and keeping them safe from harm, I've got to let them make their own mistakes, too. Otherwise, they'll never figure anything out for themselves. It's hard, though; I am honest and loyal to a fault, sometimes. I'm driven to take care of my family.

While unrelated, I always think I'm in trouble when I take a day off work. I really do feel like I'm playin' hookey. Even when it's a totally legitimate and/or approved absence. I've also got various and sundry classroom disasters playing in the back of my head till I'm in my room again. Ha.

Since we're on the subject of paranoia: I may well have sucked another nose ring into my face/throat/brain last night amidst the chaos of my fight with Champ. I've done it once before and nearly choked to death when it ejected itself from my sinus cavity and fell down the back of my throat. I mean, I'm sure I didn't actually ingest it; I just can't find it. But prior circumstances have me convinced I've got a, "sharp, foreign object lodged in my [head], dangerously close to my brain" (as explained to Jason Dooley this morning).

I swear to God, I'm so clumsy it's like, choreographed.

Getting ready and headed back to Athens.

EDIT:

I did not, in fact, snort/swallow my nose ring. I found it on the bathroom floor yesterday. Yaayy!

i never sleep still.

H2O, BANE, Cruel Hand, and Energy show was insane last night. I had such a good time. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and new(er) friends I've been itching to spend time with.

Speaking of which/whom/him: I haven't laughed as hard as I did last night in months. Years, maybe. I couldn't breathe.

Boy: You have the best laugh. And I'm not just saying that.

Girl: Really? That's a good thing you like it. 'Cause I laugh all the time.

Boy: It is definitely a good thing. You know, laughing makes you live longer.

Girl: Ha! Then I'm gonna live for-fucking-ever. I'm IMMORTAL!

I think I coulda kicked abandoned Frosty cups across the Fellini's parking lot all night. Ha. I probably would have if it weren't for the convention today.

The convention, by the way, was a total bust. But I saved Kim's day; that's all that matters.

Don't know what I'm doing tonight. I'm sick as a dog. I suppose I oughta make myself dinner.

that's it.

I quit. I've got to walk away or shut down.

It's gotten to a point now that I'm too easily disappointed and I too frequently consider throwing over family, friends, responsibility . . . for a matter of hours, if not minutes. And in the face of perpetual uncertainty.

Here goes. Putting up walls, now; two bricks at a time.

who ate the bus riders?

Voted earlier in Forsyth County and promptly filled out a Change of Address form for future voting purposes. I've lived in Fulton for like, six years now. It's about goddamned time.

Anyway. There was no line. In fact, there were open booths when I got there. Needless to say, once I was finished, I had some time to kill and decided to stop by--where else--Northpoint Mall.

Purchased a bomber jacket like the one Rachel's got with the intentions of having them embroidered. Also picked up some new kicks. All my flip flops keep busting and Ashley told me I need to get, "real shoes." Fiiiine. Here:

Keds Champion lace-ups in black and white and a pair of Vans KVDs. Happy now? Also, if anyone wants to get me black-on-black Vans Authentic Lo Downs in a boy's 6/women's 7.5, please feel free to do so. I will be happy to provide a shipping address and I happen to be well-versed in the art of care package assembly, in the event that reciprocation is required.

Another delicious meal today. This time lunch. More goulash, a Granny Smith apple, Silk yogurt with a big scoop of Whole Foods chocolate chip granola (oh, it's vegan, alright; and amazing), and another cream soda.

Leatherface last night was ridiculous. So good. I braved the smoke and splashes of beer till the third-to-last song. But at that point, I was lightheaded and my eyes were killing me. I sat outside for the rest.

First formal observation tomorrow during fifth grade. I am nervous. I should be planning for it, probably. Heh. Procrastination is my middle name.

anti-veggies.

I just made a pot of goulash with mini Gimme Lean meatballs bigger than me. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I've got lunch and dinner for the rest of the week.

Homemade Goulash + Virgil's Cream Soda = The Perfect Dinner.

I didn't do much of anything today--which I will more than likely regret tomorrow. I did go grocery shopping. My fridge and pantry look absolutely stunning. Beautiful. Lots of fruit, Silk yogurt, soy milk, water, granola, blah blah blah. Yummm.

I visited Mom, too. Revealed mah new ink. She didn't flip or cry; she actually liked it. I had to show her after she told me we're officially moving my paternal grandmother into an assisted living facility. I am thoroughly bummed, to say the least. But even more stoked on the tattoo after hearing the news.

Don't have much to write, apparently. Only working two days this week. School is out Tuesday for the election and I'll be in Athens for the GAEA Fall Conference from Thursday through Saturday or Sunday. Speaking of which: I gotta call the broad that's s'posed to be subbing for me.

Qjkfnrbwituwb. Can I have my best friends back, now?

ready for a funeral.

Yesterday was a busy one.

I woke up in Acworth and drove home after drinking black coffee and wrapping a few presents. Changed. Grabbed my paycheck. Hauled ass to Dad's work to deposit my monies. And headed to Ink & Dagger to get more work done by Jason Kelly.

I love it. Going back soon for the other shoulder.

I dropped my phone in the toilet (for the third time) and had to run home for a replacement. Then drove straight to Forsyth to trick or treat with the kids. David opted out--running around collecting candy generally doesn't make for a good time when it comes to diabetics--Signe was a Greek goddess, and Andy was Indiana Jones. But only until he decided he was too tired to carry a whip and his hat started bothering him, at which point I became Indiana Jones by default and Andy was merely Dr. Jones. Judy shoved a pillow up her robe, threw a mask on, and played Igor; complete with limp, lisp, and, "Yyeeeeth, maath-terrr!" Ridiculous.

By the time we finished, I was exhausted and came straight home. Bummed I couldn't hang at Rachel and Stan's, but I knew I'd fall asleep at the wheel and smash my car into a tree if I stayed out any longer. A haunted tree, even. No good.

Painted faces at the school carnival today for a couple hours and now I'm back home doin' nothin'. It's awesome. Haha.

Naptime, possibly?

EDIT:

Woke up a little while ago (it is now 7:50 pm) and I'm sittin' around, bored to death. My life sucks when both the people I regularly hang out with are gone.

Ugghhhghghghh.