wowowow.

The last few days have been . . . as close to perfect as it gets, I think. I couldn't stop smiling if I tried.

Via text: ♥♥♥♥ so much

Too good to share. I want this/it/him (and the details) all to myself.

Anyhow. Dinner tomorrow evening with Champ. No definite plans afterward. Don't particularly care: I never much liked New Year's; the last 5 or 6 have been awful. Forgettable at best.

xmasx.

A breakdown of the Traynor Family (+1) XmasX 2009 festivities:

Vegan breakfast:

• pancakes;
• soysage;
• facon.

Presents:

• AmEx gift card;
• retro napkin dispenser;
• down alternative mattress pad;
• box of 80 K-cups for my Keurig;
• monies.

Video games:

• Left 4 Dead.

Lunch/Dinner:

• greenbean casserole;
• Xmas tree-shaped biscuits;
• yellow rice;
• gimme lean, cre*m cheeze, and facon stuffed mushrooms;
• lemon, pine nut, and red pepper broccoli;
• green salad;
• fruit salad;
• Straight Edge wine;
• pumpkin cake.

Movies:

• The Dark Knight;
• Grandma's Boy.

More Video Games:

• Left 4 Dead;
• Dead Space.

I'm going to play Left For Dead somemore. So much fun. I totally suck.

Today: townhouse, pound, Champ, movies?

trainwreck.

I want DGJ. I want Champ. And I want my family. Everyone else can fuck off.

Really.

cool and warm.

I'd have a lot to say if I didn't think my privacy was still being regularly and shamelessly invaded. And misinterpreted. Ha.

Yesterday was really good. I needed a good day and two of my best friends made it happen: Waffle House; J and K's; Everybody's; AHS and FCAS; Binders; Borders; Mom and Dad's; J and K's.

Also got a call from Judy and the kids (which I put on speaker for the enjoyment of my passenger). Fantastic. Seeing them this week, I hope.

Mom and Dad got Felix yesterday and we met him last night. Him's a sweet boy. The way he plays with a tennis ball is nothing short of ridiculous.

Lunch and Let The Right One In (finally) later tonight, maybe?




Oh, right. And then there's this:

Per our conversation on Friday December 18, 2008 the owner of the above mentioned property has stated the following:

1. a letter has been requested from the HOA regarding the water status for this home and will be forwarded to the tenants immediately upon receipt. (per our conversations with the HOA, they have assured us that water is not in jeopardy at this address as once mentioned in a previous letter).
2. the door has been replaced.
3. the alarm system repair and/or monitoring is the responsibility of the tenants.
4. upon the HOA's approval only, security doors and window bars can be installed professionally at the tenant expense and will be considered a permanent fixture. Therefore, if installed must remain at the location and can't be remove when tenants vacate the property.
5. if additional pets are brought on the property, tenants will be responsible for any and all pet fees associated with this addition.
6. ten days of pro-rated rent will granted to the tenants for not occupancy the home during the time door was being replaced. this credit equals $331.70 and will be taken off next month's rent rate.

D******* B*******
Property Manager
Property Shitheads of Atlanta, Inc.

Real cool, guys. Real cool.

what's next?

Frankly, I'm not sure that I want to know the answer to that. Mom and Dad keep saying unfortunate happenings always occur in threes. I think it's more like sevens. Or twelves.

Seriously, though?? A dogbite in the fucking face? Was I King Henry VIII in a past life or something? Guh.

these are already selling for $20.00!

Out last night with my favorite. Came home early and crashed.

Shopping for/making XmasX presents today. Then movies. Then show? Not shore.

Paid Thursday.

Still dealing with property management/homeowner. They can all eat shit.

Maybe gettin' tattooed on the 1st.

Why don't people understand that no matter what you print on a fucking dollar coin, it's still ONLY WORTH A DOLLAR? And that buck ain't even backed anymore. Ajfufhrkugbsdg.

I really wanna go back to bed . . . hahaha.

don't care.

Running x (Slipknot + Hatebreed) = Better.

getting over.

Reminded again why I don't (and shouldn't) trust anyone. You win. Haha.

Grant got a job at The Plaza. Super excited for him and slightly bummed. It might just make it even harder for us to see eachother.

Cannot wait for Champ to get home.

Working late today, I think. Fuck it.

Two days left before break. Paid Friday.

Haven't heard from TBP in two days now. Whew. I guess he got all the crazy out over the weekend.

What a weird post. Going 'home' now.

:D

Um. Wow:

Just got the email. Totally turned my day around. And it was baaaddd.

Smiling.

peeace siiiigggnnn.

Sorry for all the dramatics yesterday. Heh. I was convinced I had a bad observation during first grade and I'm a little overwhelmed . . .

Anyway. Last night was nice. A good ending to a crap day. Chilled at Mom 'n' Dad's till Dooley got off work. We had Harmony and exchanged xmasx presents because in real life we're little kids with no patience/a habit of blabbing. Then came home and crashed on the couch in front of the tube with Mom. He got me this:

which I've been lusting after for weeks but didn't tell him I wanted. And an http://www.amazon.com/ gift card so that I can replace some of my stolen dvds. Amazing.

I got him tickets to this:

I felt like such a dipshit for waiting too long to get Burning Fight Chicago tickets that I had to get him these when I found out about 'em. He's pretty stoked. Of course, those tickets don't get him there and travel arrangements still have to be made. But one-half of the battle is won. No pun intended.

Also. My day today rules so far. Firstly, because Kenterious asked me how I turned balloons into paper balls (fifth grade papier-mâché projects all over the room). Magic, of course. Secondly, because of my girl Natoria. The sassiest-pantsed/most amazing/cutest kindergartener you'll ever meet:

I did not pose her. She's just that naturally sassy. She can't help it.

Four days and counting, buster!! Weee!

lost.

I really, really, really don't think I can do this anymore.

A parent at carpool this morning said, "You must really love your job." I paused. I didn't have a response. I went totally blank and immediately retreated into my head, surprised at the fact that I had nothing to say. I snapped out of my contemplative coma and quickly agreed, "Yes! I do."

"It shows. You can really tell. Thank you." It was such a nice thing to hear. But I don't know if it's really true. I think I love the kids. I know I love the kids. More than words can express. The rest of it, though . . .

I'm in such a weird place right now.

Not sure if I'm ready to grow up just yet. Not sure if this just isn't what I really want to do. Maybe it's just the school? But what if it's not? How long does it take--how many years lost--to figure out what you should be doing with your life?

Blah.

fuck mondays.

Alright. I got a little more than 15 minutes to write before third grade shows up. Haha.

This weekend was amazing. The best in a while. Definitely not restful, kind of fucking weird at times, and punctuated by hundreds of texts/blocked calls/emails from my headcase ex. But fun, for sure.

Friday night I went to Stan and Rachel's XmasX party. It was pretty great. If I remember correctly, I ended up going home kinda early and sleeping. Saturday: got a new driver's license, stopped by the show, visited Icehouse and had Majestic, then went to Kayla and Andrew's and stayed up till 7:00 with Grant and some dudes from Birmingham. Movies last night and Chinese takeout with the whole family (even Kevin) +1.

Lots of talking Saturday night. Good talking and 5,987 new inside jokes. At least. Things are feeling back to normal, I think.

Counting down the days/hours/minutes/seconds till Winter Break. Ohbygod. Cand waid. So much sleep. So much hanging out. So much presents.

Oh, right. And my dad's keeping Felix for himself. Hahaha. I had a feeling that's what'd happen. It's alright, though. I'm awfully fond of the bulldog breeds, anyhow.

To work. Uuughghhghghghghhhh.

i god dutheeg.

Not feeling so great. Super tired and bad cramps.

I've got errands to run most of the day. Including standing in line at the driver's license office. Faxing police reports all over the metro area. Blah.

That huge show is tonight, but I really don't know yet if I'll go. I don't really have the money. I'll probably get in a fight. I'm not in the mood. (Watch. I'll end up going. Ha.)

Dad found out that the breeder we got Lucy--our family dog who died this year at 14--from has a 1 year old retired Champion named Felix I could adopt. He's so handsome; liver-spotted and mostly white. We're looking into it. If I can post decent pictures, I will. Oh, duh: he's a pointer.

Bleh. Nothing to write. Want to go back to bed.

P.S. I have that stupid fucking Beyoncé song stuck in my head. Guh.

EDIT:

Dis Felix. Him's a big, handsome boy. :D

sigh.

Today has not been good. I cannot wait for 3:00.

Another for Grant:

I need him. Like, now. Tonight, hopefully. And lots over break. He'll be painting the back of The Bench again with some other local dudes. I'm excited to see how it turns out.

As my previous entry eluded, I'm (most likely) not going to be moving out of College Park/The Ninth Circle of Hell anytime soon. It will cost me nearly $3000 ($1000 'Administration Fee' + 2 months rent = I'm Fucked) to do so. I don't have money like that. I don't make that much in a month. They want 60 days notice, too; which is half of the remaining time on the fucking lease. It's just bullshit. A trap. We're requesting that portions of the lease be changed to provide for additional security measures i.e. burglar bars, security door(s), a new battery for my dead alarm system. But the owner doesn't have to agree to any of it. And Mom and Dad back me getting a dog. Which rules.

Rachel--and one of my neighbors--suggested a gun. But I'm scared shitless of them. I've only ever held two and I've never shot a single one. Brass knuckles, I can handle. Haha.

Anfrioewreh. I haven't been to the movies in weeks. I'm having withdrawls. Maybe I can squeeze one in this weekend.

Almost off. Waiting . . .

. . .

Dear Kelly Traynor,

I can completely understand and empathize your situation. I just spoke with your father and I told him that since I was not the property manager for your property, I was not in the complete loop of what is going on with the status. I told your father that I would call him back. He had some other questions and inquired about breaking the lease and also inquired on the move in inspection.

Basically in a nutshell, I told him that when we do a move-in walk through inspections, it basically is just noting any defects and condition of the property at the time of move in, but is not a maintenance request to fix those items. A maintenance business card was attached to your move in file in the event you have a maintenance request and that you could call if you have a maintenance problem.

While we certainly can assist you with another property that we have in our inventory, the question is whether the current owner is willing to let you off of your current lease. I spoke with the owner and he empathized and sympathized the situation, but was not willing to de-rail from the terms on the lease agreement. Unfortunately we as real estate agents can only enforce with what was signed on the lease contract. You could break your lease, but would have to comply with what the lease agreement states and the penalties involved in breaking it. If both parties agree to change the terms, then we could enforce the new changes, but the you and the landlord are currently not in accordance with negotiating terms, so therefore we are forced to uphold the current lease.

Let me know what your intentions are and I will most certainly will be able to assist you with whatever we are able to do.

(In)Sincerely,

An Apathetic Prick and the Money-Grubbing Asshole He Represents

an-yuh-riz-uhm.

Thursdays are my long lunch--sort of; I kind of forcefully took back my tutoring period--and I definitely need the extra time today. A cup of coffee would be nice, too.

Two of my kindergarteners totally lost their shit today. One of them crumpled up his Winter Scene and threw it at me. Twice. Then a third grader chucked a piece of clay at the back of my head. I'm not entirely sure how that student is still alive. Maybe I blacked out long enough to forget about strangling him with purple yarn. Who knows?

Staying at Mom 'n' Dad's until further notice but I have a list of possible new intown digs.

Fat Cat has been recovered (yaaayy!!); she was hiding the entire four hours we were there Monday afternoon.

I helped cook last night and subsequently played the worst, most boring game of Scrabble ever with Jason, Dad, and Jamie. I made the greatest play in my history of playing Scrabble and won/beat Dad and it still totally sucked. Hahaha. Jamie peaced out halfway through the end, too.

I'm gonna try to find that coffee. And draw, maybe. I owe Douglas Grantham Jones like, 12 pictures.

fuck the police.

Cop came back (the next day) for fingerprints. Fucking retarded:

"So, was your house ransacked?"

"Yes."

"Have you cleaned already?"

Yes, I cleaned my fucking house. It was torn apart. And the bitch that showed up yesterday told me there was nothing left they could take prints from./"I cleaned downstairs. I haven't touched anything upstairs."

"Okay. Well, we can make an appointment to pull prints if you'd like."

Uhmm. Sweet. You're only 24 fucking hours late, dickhead./"That would be great."

Akjbfgdugbdiogbsdflhnk . . . FUUUUCK!!!!




Unbelievably frustrated. I should not have been at work today. I had to keep calming down, reminding myself to chill so I wouldn't take my resentment out on the kids.

As straight pissed as I am about my living situation, this:

and the fortune that accompanied my delicious vegan Chinese food last night are making things a little better.

GOTTA GO! "Sorry, bloggers! I have to go to the grocery store with my MOM. She's so wonderful. She let's me go shopping with her."

spoke too soon.

My house was broken into today.

Sometime between 8:00 and 12:00, they busted out the window in my back door, tore my house up, stole all (70+ of) my dvds, dvd player, digital camera, and laptop. They also let my cat out. I haven't seen her since.

My laptop has everything on it. Every paper I wrote in college. Every lesson plan and PowerPoint. My digital portfolio. Pictures of artwork I don't have anymore. Pictures of family and friends.

But fuck all that. It's my cat going missing that kills me. I'm scared to stay in my house so I'm at Mom and Dad's. I left the garage door cracked for her; I don't give a fuck if they steal every piece of furniture and all my fucking food. I just want my cat back.

I took everything of value with me this afternoon. The cops didn't do a goddamned thing.

Oh, right. And they left one of my bras hanging from the ceiling fan in my bedroom. Talk about adding insult to injury . . .

I don't know. I can't think straight. I paced all afternoon. Or sat at my dining room table with my head in my arms and cried. I have a terrible headache from grinding my teeth. I found out the girl that lives right next door to me was held at gunpoint behind our houses a couple of weeks ago. And that at least five people on the other side of the neighborhood have been broken into.

Whatever. I'm getting a, EDIT: "MOTHER Fuck College Park," tattoo in the near future. And moving the hell outta that house.

Thank you so much to everyone who offered to come down and help move/clean or give me a place to crash. I can't express how genuinely appreciative I am.

huh?!

I am so stoked on one thing in particular that every unfortunate and unsavory circumstance has nearly faded into oblivion.

Isn't that how things are supposed to work? I'd almost forgotten.

kjsdfiubabigag.

Mama(maternal grandmother)'s car was repoed yesterday. My dumbass uncle is in jail for 60 days. Pa Bernie (paternal grandfather) is in the hospital with a staph infection at his Chemo injection site. I have no car insurance. And my entire neighborhood's water is being shut off, "without notice," because the builder is going out of business and hasn't been taking care of the HOA dues we pay every mother fucking month.

Awesome.

I hate being a grown up sometimes a lot of times.

I'm going back to bed.

ah-mazing.

Totally made my somewhat upsetting day 1000 times better:

Apparently, if you want me to fall madly in love with you, all you have to do is draw me pictures. Hahaha. Because I'm really 5. I should be going to my school, not teaching it.

Speaking of school: I found out today that one of my kindergarteners--who I'd already noticed hadn't been in school for weeks--drowned. She was revived after a few minutes of unconsciousness and spent nearly a month in the hospital. She's back at school now, but her mom has to come with her because her faculties just aren't all there. Honest to God, my morning literally got darker. I realized that this kind of thing is going to happen periodically and that, in all probability, at least one of my students will die over the course of my years teaching.

I don't know how, but this never occured to me until today. And I've got one kid whose adoption process has all but failed and a brother and sister who are being raised by their grandmother because their mother is in prision for some kind of violent crime.

*Sigh*

I've gotta go back to work. I'm sure I'll write more later; it's too heavy not to.

EDIT:

SO ready to go home. T minus 20 minutes and counting. Slept through my alarms again today. I'm unbelievably tired. Just worn out. This next break is much needed. I'm going to get myself something hot to drink and curl up in bed. I doubt I'll do anything tonight, unless someone wants to come down and chill.

Braindead.

black and blue yellow and brown.

This is what happens when you have tiny hands and insist on playing Bloody Knuckles with all your guy friends, including the ones that happen to be 6'4" and 200+ pounds. Heh.

Fuggid.

I slept through all 4 of my alarms today. And just happened to wake up and look at the clock right at 6:08. That is not how I like to get up in the morning; totally throws me off. As a result I am like, comatose today. I can hardly stay awake. No way I'm not taking a nap this afternoon and/or going to bed at like, 8:00.

Still overwhelmed with school. But relieved to find out I'm not the only one; even the veterans at Nolan are super stressed. Our CST revealed to me just yesterday that she's feeling the same way and she's been in this profession for 16 years. Even one of the P.E. teachers--who's been at Nolan for 20+ years--is burned out and kind of at a loss as to what to do about some of these kids. Behavior is a schoolwide issue. It doesn't matter how many books you've read on classroom management or how often your prof talked about discipline procedures. Shit's not that cut and dry; especially in a school with 86% of its enrolled students on Free and Reduced Lunch. I'm hoping the expansion they're working on will alleviate some of this tension--everyone won't be on top of eachother

Doiajfiurh. I just try to keep in mind that there are first year teachers who cry everyday and quit halfway through the year. That ain't me, though. I'll pull through.

Anyway. I had a blast last night at Kayla's and with Grant. He cracks me the fuck up. Fuddy Talk kills me and he's so good at it.

Shid! I totally forgot the fam is decorating the xmasx tree tonight! Awesome. I'll nap at Mom 'n' Dad's and maybe we can play Scrabble or somethin'. Still can't believe it's December already. This year flew by. I guess I should be making New Year's plans?? Ugh.

Lunch time.

untitled.

more pics/less text.

Made my life:

Collaborative artwork by Miss Traynor and Little Grant (who actually knows what he's doing).

EDIT:

Scratch that.

I just had a fight during fourth grade and I am unbelievably frustrated. But I know that at least one of the contributing factors is my complete lack of organization. It's like a snowball effect.

Too little time to set up tables and missing materials → Extra time spent gathering supplies, passing out student work, etc. → Students waiting on supplies become restless → "Your Mother" jokes ensue → Disgruntled students fight → Teacher jumps off building.

What's wrong with me lately?? My level of motivation decreases in relation to how (increasingly) happy I am. Isn't that backwards?

I need January. And I need to buckle down. Peace, social life . . .

p.s.

"You got my NAME tattooed on your FOOT?! (pause) It is pretty, though . . . " Jamie Traynor

"Wow. That's pretty flattering." Kevin Traynor

LOVE them. They're exactly what I wanted. I mean, I'm definitely glad I can only get my feet done once, because it hurt like a mother fucker. But Jason did an amazing job. Whud a dice guy.

Also, panic attacks are no fun.

P.P.S. Is it really December already??

fuddy.

Feeling more alright than I have in a while. Not so confused. A lot less concerned/preoccupied with some uncertain shit. And way stoked on new things (even if they do have the potential to get me in trouble).

Not really looking forward to work tomorrow. That break was not long enough.

I don't have much to write, I guess. Ha. Weird.

Maybe things are getting back to normal?

I hade by cad.

fuck the rest.

I love my family.

for this to work.

Firstly:

Sadly, I can't take credit for that little bit of hilarity. But I had to post it. A glimpse into my future, maybe??

Secondly, my car insurance is some half-rate fuckin' bullshit--which is no one's fault but my own; I take full responsibility for procuring 20+ traffic tickets for a variety of offenses in my youth and simultaneously screwing myself out of decent coverage. Anyway, I changed my payment plan recently so I wouldn't have to fork out $9,329,923.04 twice a year and they decided they didn't need to send me a new bill? So, a couple days ago, I get a delinquency notice telling me my insurance is cancelled and if I don't pay them X number of dollars by 27 November 2008/TODAY/THANKSfuckingGIVING, I'm in deep doo doo (or, "boo boo," as my students say). Tried paying via telephone. NO. Tried paying online. NO.

Awesome. Really.

Saw Jason for the first time in like, a week last night. It was fantastic. We stopped by my folks' house and then headed to Rach and Stan's for pre-Thanksgiving breakfast-for-dinner. Yum. Pumpkin pancakes were delish.

I made it a point to visit Champ a couple of times yesterday, too. He chopped his hair off, but it looks really nice. Said our goodbyes. I'm proud to say I did not cry. Haha.

Auburn today. Ridiculously excited. I wanted to go to Montgomery with my parents and sis to do some family damage control--shit going on over there that warrants its own post--but I've got too much junk to take care of here. And my tattoo appointment got moved to tomorrow at 1:00.

Oughta get ready. We're leavin' around 10:00. Football and food!!




EDIT:

Because why not.

An X-mas wish list (in pictures):

And/or;

down alternative, please;

loose, stacked and 'banded, or rolled.

That's about it, I think. I can't post friendship tattoos, but those would be acceptable gifts as well. I might add more. I doubt it, though. My favorite part of the holidays has always been giving people really meaningful/personal/cool stuff and seeing their reactions.

cannot compute.

This is what I had finished of the Linen and Lace bulletin board when I left work at 6:00 today. A lot left to do yet. But it's coming along nicely, I think.

I'm super tired. And I've had a raging headache for the last two days. I changed into sweats and made myself a big pot of soup as soon as I got home. Probably hit the hay in the next few minutes. So looking forward to the rest of this week and the absurd amount of sleep I'm going to pack into the next few days. Hehehehh.

Not looking forward to sending Champ off again (Europe = no texts or calls), but super excited for him, too.

Blah blah. Can't think.

my boyfriend is a sociopath.

Uhmm. So. I was going to post something about my weekend maybe. Or the book I made for Champ. But then I checked my email and this happened:

and now my brain is spasming/I kind of want to vomit.

Just to clarify, www.zunal.com is a website that hosts a collection of resources for teachers, including templates for Webquests and teacher portfolios. I happened to create an electronic portfolio as a supplement to my resume several months ago. The site's creator liked my portfolio so much, (s)he posted a link to it on the home page for interested parties to view as an exemplar.

Apparently, this freak happened across my shit and liked it so much he decided he just had to see my feet and that it was totally acceptable to send me a sketchy fucking email out of the blue? What's most discomforting about the whole thing is:

1. Homeboy didn't even try to hide the fact that he's a fucking looney toon. Just jumped straight into the creepy stuff;
   
2. My phone number and a former address were posted on that junk.

I may have inadvertently attracted a stalker and/or set myself up to be serial killed. Sweet. I mean, I've always had an inkling I was going to die young. But I honestly never thought I'd be murdalized by some weirdo with a foot fetish.

Barf. What's up, nightmares?




Anyway. I finished a prize for Champ. A handmade book/journal to take to Europe with a special pocket he can keep like, plane tickets and crap in. I hope he likes it.

Taking a half day tomorrow to paint one of the bulletin boards for Linen and Lace. Sort of excited about it. Tuesday's my easy day AND payday. Wednesday is my tattoo appointment and the start of Thanksgiving break. Super excited.

May go to bed shortly. I've been sleeping a lot lately. Dunno if that's good or bad.

retreat.

"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers."

" . . . it is as solitary where I live as on the prairies. It is as much Asia or Africa as New England. I have, as it were, my own sun and moon and stars, and a little world all to myself."

"The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude."

Back into myself, now. To reevaluate. And recuperate. And reestablish everything I know about this girl that's been wounded or lost or confused over the last few months.

________________.

Another strange (feeling) day.

I went to bed at 7:30 last night. Even after I'd had a nap just a few hours earlier.

There's so much shit running through my head. But I don't think any of it's developed enough yet to process. I can't write about it. I don't know what to write.

Blank.

What I am sure of, though, is that I'm not ready to give up on this one thing. I know the chances of it panning out the way I'd like are slim-to-none. And I know holding on may very well leave me worse off than I was to begin with. But there's something I can't let go of just yet.

I'm sure I'll re-read this at some point. After the wreckage. And think to myself how stupid I was for ignoring what I already knew. I suppose what's keeping me around is the possibility/the wish/the idea that if/when I revisit it, I'll be thankful I didn't walk away this time.

P.I.C.

Things are weird. Not bad, per se. Just weird.

Distance seems to be a recurring theme, lately--both literal and figurative. The former closing itself quickly. The latter only seems to be expanding. What I can't figure out is if it's a natural progression. If it's something I'm contributing to or just accepting. Or maybe I'm imagining things.

Not sure, either, whether to combat it (fight for what may be fading) or let it go.

Too much up in the air. I need something new. And definite. Something easy. Something contenting.

I should be cleaning.

braindead.

I've been in a fantastic mood the last couple of days, despite having my (ever-important) right index finger smashed between two car doors, simultaneously, during carpool duty yesterday AND getting in trouble for too many tardies.

I finally conferenced with my principal and got feedback about my first formal observation. She only had good things to say and I couldn't be more excited--or relieved. I'm especially flattered that she liked the lesson I taught because it's one I wrote myself.

Physically, I feel lousy today. I would love to be curled up in bed. No such luck, though. On the upside, Tuesday is one of my lighter days: four classes instead of the usual five or six. Hopefully, I can take a snooze between dismissal and Family Reading Night. Tomorrow is Early Release. Thursday is a meeting with area Art teachers/GSU alum. Friday is I don't know. And Saturday, I've got Champ to myself.

Two days next week, and then I'm off for Thanksgiving. That break, by the way, could not come soon enough. Haha.

Fourth grade is on the way. Post more later.

EDIT:

Family Reading Night was fine. I ended up serving food and dipping out after an hour or so. And I did get to take that nap I was daydreaming about earlier. Short, but sweet.

My cat is a piece of shit.

Blah blah blah.

How ridiculously boring is this post? Yuck.

there you are, peter!

Hook is on.

"You know that place between sleep and awake; the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting."

Ruh-tarded. WHAT a good movie.

Entirely unrelated--although, nearly as entertaining--is the following myspace blog by Samantha Ronson in response to Lindsay Lohan's being antiqued by PETA and the subsequent responses from about a gazillion other super articulate, teenaged masterminds. Normally, I'm the first person to say something to the effect of, "Who gives a shit what Jennifer Aniston has to say about Brad and Angelina?? And why is that plastered all over www.msn.com?" But this whole episode was especially eye-roll-inducing.

http://celebrity.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=celebrity.blog

Another reason I'm thankful to have turned 25: I am no longer associated with the embarrassment that is America's 18-24 year old demographic.

F.T.W.

My latest (relatively useless) obsession: folded-paper boxes. I've made tons. I can't stop.

I didn't have a quarter, so I found something comparable. The tiny ones are my favorite.

Also, I apologize for the reprehensible quality of all the photos I post in this thing. My camera sucks, and I generally only have my phone with me to snap pics at opportune moments. Meh.

I left the house once today (which I am quite alright with) to go to Barnes & Noble. I (finally) watched Lost World: Jurassic Park this morning. And Hard Candy this afternoon. S'posed to visit Icehouse later, but I may just go to sleep.

I need to be by my lonesome every once in a while. You know, so I can do completely worthless, idiotic shit like fold tiny boxes out of colored paper and/or make my own books . . . ?

Whatever.

my eyes can't look at you any other way.

I should've let it be. I should've kept my eyes to myself. All those words are weighing on my heart now. And the worst part . . . is that I fucking knew better.

I really thought I could do this. Not just with this one; with any-one that had a troubled past. But I think know now that that was before I finally wised-up (or maybe dumbed-down) and contemplated/grasped what a history like that means. And how long it lasts. And how many questions I'd want to ask (that probably shouldn't or won't be answered).

Being smart and curious never was a contenting combination.

My relief; the one sure thing I've got to look forward to (and maybe the thing I should've held fast to all along):

"Okay cool, I'm all yours sat night."

let it go.

They are putting my paternal grandmother in an "Assisted Living Facility" this weekend. I desperately miss my best friend. And I'm pretty sure I like somebody who can't really (or probably just doesn't) like me back, when I shouldn't be (and don't want to be) worried about any kind of relationship to begin with.

More than anything, I'm coming to grips with my grandparents' mortality. I've never lost anyone particularly close to me. And when this happens, it's going to be fucking crushing. I've never understood people who don't like their grammas/grandparents/entire families; mine are incredible. I love them with all my heart. Which makes realizing they may never see me get hitched (pah) or meet my kids that much more devastating.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. Like I said, I need those letters drilled into my fingers again.

EDIT:

I am grateful for everything I have and everything I go through.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."

EDIT:

Could somebody please get me new headphones. The cat destroyed mine. I wanna listen to Band of Horses in bed, goddamnit.

♥

I am worn . . . out.

My classes today were so up and down. One class, amazing; the next, off the walls. As frustrating as this rollercoaster gets, though, the barrage of hugs at the end of the day during dismissal makes it all better.

The perfect evening would (and hopefully will) consist of:

• a hot shower;
• a nap in my big, warm bed;
• Harmony;
• and movies on the couch under mah new, extra soft blanket.

The Bukkake Boys' record release is tonight. I'm friends with most of the band and Rachel and Ashley are going. But I'm so wiped. A night in sounds amazing.

We'll see, I guess.

Oh! By the way. Kindergarten is making clay pinch pots this project and to prepare I've been letting them play around with the clay to get used to it (most of them have never used the real stuff). At any rate, Kenterious--a particularly cute and humorous student of mine--walked up to me with a *cough* log of clay proudly displayed in one hand. When I asked what it was, he immediately exclaimed, "a pirate ship!" But what I heard was, "a pile of shit!" I could not stop laughing. I had to ask him a couple more times what, exactly, it was he'd said.

The perks of being an elementary school (Art) teacher, yeah?

In the mood to make art again. Dunno if it'll happen.

Post Script: Amazing how one, "I miss you," from the right person can stick in your mind and brighten your day.

fuck you, miss daisy.

I realized I get paid on the 25th this month and asked Jason Kelly if he's got any openings that week--he's gonna be in and out of town a lot November and December, I think--and he does! I just booked an appointment with him on the 26th to get my other arm/shoulder done; this time, a nurse for my maternal grandmother.

She was a nurse for 30 + years. Lived/worked through the polio epidemic and in a Psych ward for the last half of her career. She taught nursing, too. She is a badass. And she demanded that I include some kind of reference to the beach or ocean in my tattoo. Easy enough, I think. Seashells, probably.

I 'spaced my friend Scott and asked him if he'd like to do pink Out Of Step sheep for me and Rach sometime soon. He's apprenticing at Timeless and happens to be good friends with Jason, too--who suggested that I get something done while he's still beginning (and they're free) so I'll always have a part of a friend's history with me; very cool, I think. Waiting to hear back.

Lunch is over. Back to work, now!

EDIT:

Just bought the following movies at Wal-Mart:

Two-thirds of the bunch are guilty pleasures. And two-thirds of them are about to get watched.

Mediocre Chinese Buddha earlier (my vegetable buns were cold in the middle) followed by a mediocre cup o' joe from Caribou. Yikes. Glad I finally fulfilled my shit movie craving. Ha.

aye sap.

I need vegan Chinese food immediately.




EDIT:

And board games (Scrabble, please).

And The Lost World: Jurassic Park (2).




NOW.

crying is not straight edge.

Goddamn Champ for making me cry in my car:

I Swear by The Loved Ones

I've been breaking promises in the dark;
You've been doubting everything in the time we spend apart.
We knew this was a gamble from the start.
Now we've been trying everything just keep our hearts.

If it all burns down, if it all just blows away,
I swear I'll love you to 'til the end.
If it all burns down and you don't come around,
I'll be your friend.

I'm sweating all alone here in the dark;
Are you sleeping soundly all the nights we spend apart?
We knew this was a gamble from the start.
And now I'm trying everything, just to keep your heart.

If it all burns down, if it all just blows away,
I swear I'll love you to 'til the end.
If it all burns down and you don't come around,
I'll be your friend.

I'll love you 'til the end.
I'll love you 'til the end.
I'll love you 'til the end.
I'll love you 'til the end.

What I live and what I learn;
What we build and what we burn,
I'll love you 'til the end.

While we're on it, the song that most reminds me of him:

I'll Catch You by The Get Up Kids

Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears,
One at a time?
An unspoken balance here;
Unabridged for so many years.
That I should stare at receivers
to receive her
isn't fair.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

Your arms in mine,
any time.
Wouldn't trade anything;
you're still my everything.
To my surprise,
before my eyes,
you arrive.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

Still breaking old habits, habits.
You pulled the wool over me;
and I can see everything.
Everything.
Remembering
Jinx removing.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

No need for reminding:
You're still all that matters to me.

We've agreed before that there are a few discs that belong only to us (and not just because--with the exception of the first--everyone else thinks they suck): Lucero That Much Further West; HIM Razorblade Romance; and the Blink 182 S/T that came out in 2003.

I fucking miss my best friend.