hail.

Today was nuts. Up and down, to say the least.

Jenn Heyser observed me all day and psyched me the fuck up. She's amazing. One of the most positive people I've ever met--even the way she openly praised my CST for losing a million pounds and running a full marathon instead of joking, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" like I did totally stopped me in my tracks. And made me feel like a complete jerk. Haha. She stayed and helped me rearrange my room. Told me I'm not allowed to quit. My hero.

I'm trying. I am.

Really talked to Champ today for the first time in a few weeks. I miss him.

I also miss my boyfriend. I love him. Recent events have made me appreciate him so much. Every email he sends me, the subject line is a heart. He laughs at all my jokes and the stupid faces I make and is one of the funniest people I've ever met. He also bought me Twizzleuhs for Valentine's Day, which--I'm sure--doesn't mean a thing to anyone who doesn't really know us. But it means the world to me. I don't know. I'm a lucky girl in a lot of aspects. Him, especially.

Now. That being said. I'm grappling with the idea of eliminating a large part of my social life in an effort to retake my personal life. My own life. It seems like every time I involve myself with new people or immerse myself in my social circle, it distracts me from the things that are most important or in dire need of my attention. Then, my attempt to relieve stress eventually and inevitably causes me stress AND only adds to the pressure I already felt at work and at home. Whether I get more involved in the outside world because I'm (sub)consciously seeking out a means of preoccupation/procrastination is another issue altogether, and neither here nor there.

Jesus. Rambling.

The bottom line is, I know I work well in solitude. And I know I have real, visible, intense self-discipline. I've abstained from alcohol, drugs, and smoking for nine years. And animal products in some form for a decade. These things have become a part of my life. Second nature. I don't think twice about them. I do take pride in them, though. I have to harness that determination and make it habitual. Transfer it to the parts of my life where it's lacking.

I need my fucking PMA back, goddamnit!

I'm thinking maybe the black screen and flashing white ***TORNADO WARNING*** marquee are like my cue to get off here. Heh.